Category Archives: Denial

Men’s Rights II: The denial

This post is in reference to my previous post Men’s rights: An undisclosed topic

I have received several responses to my previous post, and I am thankful to people who appreciated me for bringing this topic to light, but many of them seem to have gotten a bit defensive about it.

I have received responses like “But my parents are not like how you portray”, “my relatives are not like how you portray”, “not fair to generalize all relatives and parents”, “educate and explain them and in a calm state of mind and they will understand”, “after all, they are our parents and care for us”, and many such responses with either seem to rationalize their behavior, or trivialize this matter.

My response to all the above points are: Read the following post carefully!

Yes, I may agree, to some extent, with the point that not all relatives are like what I had described in my previous post. But such relatives are rare EXCEPTIONS. Majority of them are like the way I had described earlier.

If they were not such rare exceptions, how do you explain the marriages of almost every man (and woman) you know by by age 30? How do you explain such low participation of women in workforce? How to explain every married couple you know, producing children, buying a car, a house, all the EMIs, and everyone seeming so stressed out about it?

Yes, I do agree that some parents may be more “liberal” than others, as they claim. But one must understand that even with “liberal” parents, they are not strong enough to resist the pressure of society and their relatives, which makes them bully their children to conform to society out of fear of their own people.

Even their definition of “liberal” is very inaccurate.

In their dictionary, the definition of “liberal” means parents “allowing their” children to step out of the house, or “allowing” them choose a spouse for themselves. But NOT liberal enough to let their children decide if they want to remain single all their life, or marry at any late age they prefer, or even play the role of a homemaker (in case of a man).

Why do parents give an ultimatum to their children to find a partner by age 30 or else force their children to marry a person of their (parents’) choice (a partner belonging to the same race, community, religion, caste)?
Why is there a deadline age to find a partner?

The most gullible response was “educate and explain them and in a calm state of mind and they will understand”.  This response makes no sense whatsoever because a human mind is like a clay in youth, which turns into a rock as age progresses.

You can use the explaining and educating method on a young person who is open to new ideas and values; while, an old person is like a rock which is so solid in its values and thinking, that it will crush (metaphorically) any young person with new ideas because old people don’t want their very life and existence to look like a joke. So, there is no repairing the previous generation. They have formed their thinking. Combined with their entitlement, there is simply no “explaining them calmly” or “educating them”.

They have become a part of the patriarchal and hierarchical system so deeply, that they will fight to protect it. Just like those agents’ role in the film, The Matrix.  All I can say is: Save your own clay-like mind from getting bruised by these people who have a rock-solid minds.

Note: Now if we think about it, this situation is quite comparable to the film The Matrix where the patriarchal system is built, for which, on the one hand, our parents, relatives (including our cousins) act like agents, who will fight to protect this system as they are so dependent on it; and on the other hand, there are those selected few people in our current generation, like Neo and Morpheus, who are trying to break free from this “system” designed to enslave everyone, and will strive to help others break free from it.

The last response disturbed me a lot and the reason for my writing this post. The response was “after all, they are our parents and care for us!”. This is probably the biggest bunch of lies told to oneself to prevent the mind from going to insanity.

This is textbook definition of “rationalization” where a man is extremely discomforted by the reality to such an extent, that he will come out with excuses so that his mind can find the current situation, much more tolerable.

Men are going in denial because their conditioning, since birth, is so deep that reality check will hurt them the most. It is almost like they will start questioning the very ground they are standing on, which can be quite traumatizing.
I understand their psychology, but that is no solution. It is almost like taking medication to suppress symptoms while not understanding the disease causing it.

The worst result is even if a man understands this mess of patriarchy, still ends up becoming a part of this mess himself due to pressure. It takes a great deal of effort and strength to assert your rights, even if harmed in the process. But not everyone is able to stand up against this patriarchal system so they end up joining it. The external forces and internal conditioning is so severe that the man has to become a part of this patriarchal system.

He ends up internalizing his pain and frustration and end up making it seem as if it was “his individual choice”. If asked, no man will admit that he has become a part of this patriarchy due to pressure (internal and external).
No man wants to admit that he is being used as a puppet by the collective ego of the society. It would be shameful for a man to even think on these lines as his patriarchal role will ensure that he never complains.

So, going in denial mode and rationalization is the only quick fix to make it less unbearable. He will end up looking it at like the “best thing that ever happened to him” and will “reform” others too, thereby continuing this vicious cycle.

Your young adult male best-friend(s) or your “chuddy buddy” who is now listening to rock music, smoking pipe, has ear studs, trying to appear “cool” and “modern” will turn to the same language as his entitled relatives 15 years from now.

You will find this very same “chuddy buddy” with his wife and kids, and questioning you about your “future plans” in a rather patronizing, self-righteous way.

His reaction will be even more shocked when he finds out that you are still single, and he will try to either shame you, or portray his life as such an “aspirational life”. lol!

After a certain point, where does one draw the line between social conditioning and personal choice?

It is going to take at least couple of generations to understand this kind of oppression and mental gymnastics a man is made to do until he is able to truly think by himself and take complete control over his life and make decisions at his own will.

To my readers, please read this article carefully so that you understand what message I am trying to convey to my audience.

Agreed this is a deep topic but the more informed we are, the more informed choices we can make and understand the real disease, not try to cure the symptom!