Category Archives: Parental Abuse

Biwi ki Sunu, ya maa ki?

Biwi ki sunu, ya maa ki? 

Tans: who arguement should I support, my mother’s or my wife’s?

This is in reference to my previous post.
https://perspectiveindianlife.wordpress.com/arranged-aka-forced-marriage-a-human-rights-violation/

I hear almost every Indian man ask this question. This one question personally makes me judge his family with a lot of contempt.

But one must never blame an Indian man for asking this question. One must understand from where such thinking stems from.

Indian men are so conditioned by parents and society that parents are like Gods. You never question God. You always obey them. You love for them. You die for them. Their happiness means sacrificing one’s own. You earn for them. You support them.

But no one asks these questions which is much needed:

  • Are Indian parents worthy of “support” they keep demanding like spoiled infants?
  • Does one have to obey their order everytime?
  • Why can’t anyone question them?
  • Are they worthy of “love, care and affection” they keep demanding?
  • Can’t one see flaws in them?
  • Can’t one fight against them for their personal happiness?
  • Why is questioning parents and disobeying them a taboo?

These questions will make any Indian man so uncomfortable, that either they will change the topic, or justify their parents’ entitlement.

As I have mentioned earlier, that a woman’s life is terrible in India. She is treated like an “outsider” by everyone. The only source of feeling loved, is via her son.
She is this overbearing mother who always wants her son to be close to her. She, finally, feels a sense of control. Time and again, she will make the son realize all the “sacrifices” she has made for him which all was her mere duty, resulting in an unhealthy attachment of the son and his mother.

This Oedipus-complex-like relationship is punctured when his wife comes into the picture. His mother feels extremely insecure that the one source of support will be “stolen away” by his wife. She is dreading her son and his wife’s emotional and sexual bond as it will only result in loss of her control over her son. So for that she takes some drastic measures to regain her control.

She makes her daughter-in-law work like dogs in the kitchen, make her a slave to her demands, ensure they have no private time to spend with each other, taunt the son for being a “joru ka gulham” (slave of his wife) to constantly remind him not to forget the “bond” they share.

Now, his wife is unable to cope up with her mother-in-law’s endless, unreasonable demands. She then requests her husband to fix the situation; while, his mother is demanding him to make his wife more obedient and compliant.

Now the man is in a fix. He doesn’t know if to support his wife (who is suffering due to his mother), or his mother (who has conditioned him never to question her).

Such a situation never ends up well. If the man is not strong enough, it leads to the saas-bahu (mother-in-law and daughter-in-law) fights which we all see in TV shows here in India; or in extreme cases, a messy divorce.

Note: I understand that the man’s mother has been abused by her people but that gives no justification for interfering and ruining her son’s and DIL’s life in any circumstances. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Don’t hold other people responsible to fix your broken life.

Indian men need to confront the issue, use their own judgement, and try to solve it at a grassroot level. If need be, question their parents; or worst case, move out of such an abusive household for a better life for themsleves and their spouse. 
After all, the cycle of abuse needs to end at some point.

Arranged aka. Forced Marriage: A human rights violation

Indians are obsessed with marriages: Something which their lives revolve around, something they use as a conversation starter. 

Marriage of daughter, for some parents, is a lifetime achievement.There is immense pressure on young women, and even men, for marriage.

Parents prepare for this event since the day a child is born. They are groomed in ways (as per gender requirements) to ensure that they get the best match possible. By best, they do not mean the qualities which will make their son/daughter happy; but the qualities which will give the parents the most status and honor in society.

Life is miserable for both, young men and women in India, mainly due to the immense entitlement of the elders (parents) and their unreasonable expectations they have from young bride and grooms. They are responsible for creating this dysfunctional relationship and marriages. Here is in detail the process of marriages.

Groom: The “hunt” for a groom is probably the toughest task parents go through. Combined with this nightmare, daughters have absolutely no autonomy over their lives to choose a partner for themselves. The parents look for only one thing in a groom: Will my potential son-in-law person give them better social status? They never care about their daughter’s (even son’s) happiness.

The problem arises that such groom, who will give them better social status, are very few in number; while the women waiting to marry him, are in majority.

The groom’s parents have the upper hand and can call the shots. That is where dowry comes into play. An additional incentive to the groom for doing them a “favor” by marrying their daughter. Also, to have a better chance compared to all other families competing for him.

The groom is taught since childhood that his worth is based upon the income he earns. He is solely judged upon his academic and professional success.  The amount of money he earns, the car he drives, size of his house, family reputation, caste, all are the main parameters he is judged upon. He is reduced to an ATM machine by everyone. God forbids if he loses his job!

Worst is his parents’ entitlement which plays a major role in destroying many lives of young individuals making them extremely bitter and frustrated. His parents, after all, only want a daughter in law for themselves, whom they can make work like slaves and make her produce babies (sons) to continue the family lineage. In case of their sons, they can ensure that he keeps working like dogs and they can sponge off their son.

The amount of entitlement and narcissism by the boy’s parents associated with this thinking is unbelievable. Funny thing is that in such a poor country, we have majority of the joint family taking about “family lineage” and “successor”.

In some cases, when a boy is in his early 20s, his parents give him an ultimatum to find some girl for himself or his parents will get him married to a stranger they choose. Boys at that age feel extremely pressured to find a bride for themselves, or pressure the girl he is dating, for marriage.

The conditioning of their parents is so deep, that they get goosebumps even with the idea of questioning their parents against this forceful way of getting them married. This is a human rights violation. In fact, human rights is a bloody joke to them.

Bride: Brides are abused even more in India. Girls are disempowered since birth in India. Her parents select a groom when the girl is very young in age. The idea is to get her “married off” as young as possible when, when she is impressionable as parents fear two things 1) She will start having independent thoughts and start questioning her parents 2) Fear of losing potential “good” grooms. The criteria for arranged wives are good looks, family reputation, caste, and fertility.

She too, is reduced to a cooking, baby producing machine. Worse, after marriage, she is made to leave her maternal home and forced to live with her husband’s family where she is always treated like an “outsider”. This idea is so ingrained in Indians that if she ever demands her rights, she is called arrogant, crazy, ill behaved, etc.

Even husbands don’t stand up for their wives against his own family as he is so deeply conditioned that he family is “flawless”.Even if he sees his wife being ill-treated by his family, he goes into denial mode. We then hear statements by husbands like “no big deal” or “over thinking” or “making a mountain of a mould”.

Even if he does stand up for his wife at some point, he is mocked by his own family by being called a “joru ka gulham”. With this mockery, even he feels pressure to prove his family wrong and join them in the ragging of his wife.

Specially his mother, as she too has been treated like shit and an “outsider” all her life. So. she feels that her son is one point of support and her daughter in law will “steal” her son away from her which makes her extremely insecure about her son leading to interference in their private lives.

After all, it is all about control over young people!

Wedding: Indians weddings are such a massive grand affair lasting from days to even weeks. You find socially-sanctioned extreme narcissism in such events. Loud music, people dancing on the roads, a clan of at least two thousand people, blingy clothes, relatives and their taunts on people, endless barbaric ceremonies. The ceremonies are so patriarchal, that the everything is about the girl bowing down the groom and his family.

Weddings are one of the most abusive life events in young Indians. In the name of traditions and rituals, brides (and even the grooms) are abused by their relatives.

These ceremonies are to undignified and garish, that even the though of an Indian wedding, makes me cringe. People end up spending upto Rs 1 crore in such events. Everything has to be super lavish so that their relatives should not make fun of them.

People not only end up wiping clean their banks on such events, but also borrow from relatives, take loan for such events. Majority of the expenditure is expected by the bride’s parents.

It is not unthinkable that the bride’s parents may not even have money to go the doctor when they are sick, despite medical being cheap in India. I guess this solves the mystery why Indian parents don’t want daughters as this toxic culture will make them bow to the above mentioned social norms.

The way young people are treated, is a big insult to human rights violation. Worse, this is happening in even the educated bunch of India as well.  It is very difficult to change this toxic culture as forces from all over are pushing you towards a single direction.

Life is so miserable for young Indians that only disappearing from the scene helps them lead a better life; or one needs to be super strong to resist this culture in a search for a better life in India.

Note: In the United Kingdom, there have been programs to prevent such forced marriages as this was a big problems amongst Bangladeshis. Parents can be arrested and it is considered a serious crime.

I hope that someday, in India, people start recognizing this abuse and make parents accountable. If need be, they should be arrested for forcing their adult children to marry. We will have happier individuals. It would be personal dream come true!

Bleeding Honor

Honor: Another epidemic in our Indian society.  

This epidemic can destroy our very sense of self-worth and self-preservation. 

Honor, shame and social approval runs in every aspect of Indian society; whether it is the clothes you wear, the school you study, the person you marry, the food you eat, the job you do, absolutely every aspect of life. 

Interestingly, even parents (mainly them) end up becoming a victim of this culture of honor that they will subject themselves, and their children, to the most gruesome of human rights violation one can only possibly imagine. It can even lead to the notorious “honor killings”

For those who don’t know about honor killings: It is an act of murder of an individual, by his/her family to preserve their family honor and shame in society. Also an act of punishment for disobeying them.

In western world, individuals are always taught to resist peer pressure of consuming drugs, teenage sex or smoking. But what can an individual do what his/her parents are giving into peer pressure and actively forcing their children to do so?

Even the parents are bullied by their relatives, their friends, their neighbors, the entire society, to conform to the norms and when their children refuse to do the same, the parents are subjected to mockery and humiliation which makes them resort to emotional blackmail, threatening to suicide, and even  gruesome crimes like honor killing their own children. 

In all this drama, the children have it the worst. They are grown up in an unhealthy atmosphere where “obeying their elders (mainly parents)” is a compulsion, not an option. The children are so deeply conditioned to blindly obey their parents without questioning them or using their own discretion. God forbid if they question their parents! They can even by subjected to physical abuse and assault by their parents. Little do the parents know that they are crippling their children of independence and free thoughts. In the end of the day, it is all about controlling the next generation and prevent letting them from “going out of their control”.

As I have stated earlier, Indian parents are probably the most abusive parents in the whole world and the whole society conspires them to be like that. The only criticism they face (which they do in massive numbers) is why they don’t make their kids conform.

This cycle of abuse continues and the abused children become the abuser once they become parents!

We hear statements like these a lot:

  • Science kyun nahin liya? Sinha ka beta ne science liya hai.
    Trans: Why aren’t you taking the field of Science? Sinha’s son has taken science.
  • Dusaro jaise Engineer kyun nahin ban na chahtey ho? 
    Tans: Why don’t you want to become and engineer like your colleagues?
  • Mummy, Daddy hi baat kyun nahin sunte ho?
    Trans: Why don’t you listen to your parents? Even 40 somethings are told to listen to their parents.
  • Dusaro jaise marks kyun nahin le aate ho?
    Tans: Why don’t you get distinct grades like your colleagues?
  • Hamara naak kyun katvana chahtey ho?
    Tans: Why do you want to bring shame upon us?
  • Log kya sochenge?
    Trans: What will people think?
  • MNC main kyun naukari nahin karna chahtey? Sharmaji ka beta vahin par hai.
    Tans: Why don’t you want to work in an MNC? Sharmaji’s son is also working there.
  • Shaadi kyun nahin karna hai? Verma ji ka beta ke do bachhe bhi ho gaye.
    Trans: Why don’t you want to get married? Vermaji’s son has two children already.
  • Beti, tumhari shaadi ek amir ladke se karana chahtey hai , Jain Sahab ki beti jaise.
    Trans: Daughter, we will find a rich groom for you. Just like how Jain Sahab did for his daughter.

Keeping up with the Jonases is so ingrained in Indians that it reaches to an extreme level. Sometimes even so, that they willingly blow up their life savings, take hefty loan from bank and relatives, and conduct lavish weddings to keep up with their neighbors and relatives.

Added to that, Indian culture is such a feudalistic culture that these things become worse. We have heard honor killings because two people of different caste, communities wanted to marry each other.  Killings have happened even when a girl decided never to marry. Even if a girl has asserted her rights, her neck has been slashed by her parents. 

The need for honor is so ingrained in Indians that they will even force their adult children into marriage, and even after their children are abused in a marriage, they are forced to continue the marriage to preserve their family honor. Individuals can’t even voice their own opinions as honor silences them all. 

Even the police force, counselors, teachers, all come from the same background and culture and when these children try to seek protection from their parents, instead of helping them, they suggest to blindly obey their parents. This vicious cycle of culturally sanctioned abuse never ends. 

Even in the recent documentary of India’s daughter, we heard the defense lawyer, A.P Singh saying this ...if my daughter was having premarital sex and moving around at night with her boyfriend, I would have burnt her alive. I would not have let this situation happen. All parents should adopt such an attitude.”

Again, this whole attitude of shame and honor comes into play. People are so afraid of society bad-mouthing them that they will even go to the extent of crushing their spirit, happiness, even life in some cases.

This same shame-faced mindset came into play while broadcasting this documentary. People were more worried about their national perception rather than the bigger, deeper problem brewing. 

Women in India are not even allowed to work as there is a mindset that if a woman works, that means the man of the family has failed to provide. Also, the woman will “go out of control”. Due to this mentality, 40% of the population in a country is forbidden from working, and the few women who are working, are subjected to mockery and harassment at work. 

Indian culture is such a broken culture but unfortunately, no one is willing to admit it. Instead, everyone is just digging a hole and  burying their heads in it. Once cannot turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to the problems.

But again, facing the brutal reality is so harsh, that it can turn any person insane so everyone chooses the best escape route: Denial.

Parental Abuse

Indians are obsessed with marriages: Something which their lives revolve around, something they use as a conversation starter. 

Marriage of daughter, for some parents, is a lifetime achievement.There is immense pressure on young women, and even men, for marriage.

Parents prepare for this event since the day a child is born. They are groomed in ways (as per gender requirements) to ensure that they get the best match possible. By best, they do not mean the qualities which will make their son/daughter happy; but the qualities which will give the parents honor in society.

Life is miserable for both, young men and women in India, mainly due to the immense entitlement of the elders (parents) and their unreasonable expectations they have from young bride and grooms. They are responsible for creating this dysfunctional relationship and marriages. Here is in detail the process of marriages.

Groom: The “hunt” for a groom is probably the toughest task parents go through. Combined with this nightmare, daughters have absolutely no autonomy over their lives to choose a partner for themselves. Parents look for only one thing in a groom: Will my potential son-in-law person give them better social status?
It never matters to them if their son/daughter is suffering in the marriage and is in a verge of suicide. 

The problem arises that such groom, who will give them better social status, are very few in number; while the women waiting to marry him, are in majority.

The groom’s parents have the upper hand and can call the shots. That is where dowry comes into play. An additional incentive to the groom for doing them a “favor” by marrying their daughter. Also, to have a better chance compared to all other families competing for him.

The groom is taught since childhood that his worth is based upon the income he earns. He is solely judged upon his academic and professional success.  The amount of money he earns, the car he drives, size of his house, family reputation, caste, all are the main parameters he is judged upon. He is reduced to an ATM machine by everyone. God forbids if he loses his job!

Worst is his parents’ entitlement which plays a major role in destroying many lives of young individuals making them extremely bitter and frustrated. His parents, after all, only want a daughter in law for themselves, whom they can make work like slaves and make her produce babies (sons) to continue the family lineage. In case of their sons, they can ensure that he keeps working like dogs and they can sponge off their son.

The amount of entitlement and narcissism by the groom’s (and even bride’s) parents associated with this thinking is unbelievable. Funny thing is that in such a poor country, we have majority of the joint family taking about “family lineage” and “successor”.

In some cases, when a boy is in his early 20s, his parents give him an ultimatum to find some girl for himself or his parents will get him married to a stranger they choose. Boys at that age end up feeling extreme pressure to find a bride for themselves, and the pressure is transferred to the girl he is dating. And vice versa.

Makes me wonder how many “choice” or “love” marriages have taken place due to the fear of their parents getting them “married off” to someone else?

The conditioning of their parents is so deep, that they get goosebumps even with the idea of questioning their parents against this forceful way of getting them married. This is a human rights violation. In fact, human rights is a bloody joke to them.

Bride: Brides are abused even more in India. Girls are disempowered since birth in India. Her parents select a groom when the girl is very young in age. The idea is to get her “married off” as young as possible when, when she is impressionable as parents fear two things 1) She will start having independent thoughts and start questioning her parents 2) Fear of losing potential “good” grooms. The criteria for arranged wives are good looks, family reputation, caste, and fertility.

She too, is reduced to a cooking, baby producing machine. Worse, after marriage, she is made to leave her maternal home and forced to live with her husband’s family where she is always treated like an “outsider”. This very mindset is so ingrained in Indians that if she ever demands her rights, she is called arrogant, crazy, ill behaved, etc.

Even husbands don’t stand up for their wives against his own family as he is so deeply conditioned that he family is “flawless”. Even if he sees his wife being ill-treated by his family, he goes into denial mode. We then hear statements by husbands like “no big deal” or “over reacting” or “making a mountain of a mould”.

Even if he does stand up for his wife at some point, he is mocked by his own family by being called a joru ka gulham (slave of his wife) . With this mockery, even he feels pressure to prove his family wrong and join them in the ragging of his wife.

Specially his mother, as she too has been treated like an “outsider” all her life. So, she feels that her son is one point of support and her daughter in law will “steal” her son away from her which makes her extremely insecure about her son leading to interference in their private lives.

After all, it is all about control over young people!

Weddings: Indians weddings are such a massive grand affair lasting from days to even weeks. We find extreme socially-sanctioned narcissism in such events. Loud music, people dancing on the roads, a clan of at least two thousand people, blingy clothes, relatives and their taunts on people, endless barbaric ceremonies. The ceremonies are so patriarchal, that the everything is about the girl bowing down to the groom and his family.

Weddings are one of the most abusive life events in young Indians. In the name of traditions and rituals, brides (and even the grooms) are abused by their relatives.

These ceremonies are to undignified and garish, that even the though of an Indian wedding, makes me cringe. People end up spending upto Rs 1 crore in such events. Everything has to be super lavish so that their relatives should not make fun of them.

People not only end up wiping clean their banks on such events, but also borrow from relatives, take loan for such events. Majority of the expenditure is expected by the bride’s parents.

It is not unthinkable that the bride’s parents may not even have money to go the doctor when they are sick, despite medical being cheap in India. I guess this solves the mystery why Indian parents don’t want daughters as this toxic culture will make them bow to the above mentioned social norms.

The way young people are treated, every right of theirs has been stripped away from them. Worse, this is happening in even the educated and urban bunch of India as well.  It is very difficult to change this toxic culture as forces from all over are pushing you towards a single direction.

Poverty can be fought away with money. How can toxic culture be fought away?

Life is so miserable for young Indians that only disappearing from the scene helps them lead a better life; or, one needs to be super strong to resist this culture in a search for a better life in India.

Note: In the United Kingdom, there have been programs to prevent such forced marriages as this was a big problems amongst Bangladeshis. Parents can be arrested and it is considered a serious crime.

I hope that someday, in India, people start recognizing this abuse and make parents accountable. If need be, they should be arrested for forcing their adult children to marry. We will have happier individuals. It would be personal dream come true!